Why I Love Wildflowers: And Why You Won't Find Them on OKCupid

Janapnese Meadow Rue
Spiraea japonica

I'm a sucker for wildflowers. In fact, just know, if you are hiking with me: THIS HIKER MAKES FREQUENT STOPS. Classifying wildflowers is one of my favorite reasons to hike. Once identified, I loudly pronounce its name at every occurrence, mostly so I won't forget it. Wood-Sorrel. Rattlesnake Hawkweed. Rue-Anemone. Also, to annoy you.

Why do I love them so much? Probably for the same reason I like polyamory (and variety in general). Wildflowers are amazing because they are unexpected. There I am hiking along, tired, sweaty, thirsty. I come around a switchback and suddenly a hillside full of Brook Meadowrue takes my breath away. Meadowrues are my particular favorite.

I record the flowers I've met in my field guide, as well as the time of year and trail where I saw them. Some flowers I have seen hundreds of times. Thyme-Leaved Bluets are everywhere. Even out of season, I can recognize the wildflowers I've previously identified. In fact, it's hard for me not to see them. Because I'm looking for them.

Relationships can be this way too. (Oh, yeah, I'm also a sucker for metaphors.) What makes a finding a relationship so wonderful is when you don't really expect it. Whether it's that "friend" you've had forever who suddenly notices you, or that cute guy at work, or the ever-so-rare OKCupid matchup (does this ever really happen?!) it feels miraculous. "Wait, you feel the same way I do?"

Then there are those days, usually when it's raining, where it feels like I've hiked for miles and not spotted anything noteworthy. Hunting for the proverbial unicorn, if you will. There are many plants in my field guide that I have never and may never see.

Green Dragon
Arisaema dracontium

This makes me think of the countless hours you can spend on OKCupid and still come up with nothing. Sure, it can be frustrating, but then, most things in life happen this way. The more you look for something, the harder it seems it is to find it. Additionally, you're not going to improve your chances by making your ideal romantic partner the ever elusive Green Dragon (see photo). How I would love to see one of those some day.

Does that mean I cease hiking through the woods? If I do then my chances of spotting the Green Dragon are zero or worse. Whether hunting for plants or partners, you press on. You continue to hike, to search, to tweak your profile to attract just the right mate. And regardless of the results, keep putting one squashy wet boot in front of the other like the happy hiker you are.

What's been bending my ear lately (and I realize this is not a new problem) is the constant complaining (I think it's complaining anyway) on all forums poly about How do I find someone? Where do I meet people? Why doesn't OKCupid work? 

How do you meet someone? That's easy, go out and talk to people! Where? Anywhere that people are. They're not hard to find, shockingly. But they're probably not poly. They won't want to date me. Is this all that people are to you? Potential dates? People are like plants, there are many of them and oftentimes there are far too many of the status quo. (Damn ferns!) But that's what makes wildflowers so beautiful! They stand out. And these people, the ones who stand out, are worth meeting, whether they are potential mates or not. These are the people who challenge you and change you. They are worth endless days of hiking just to catch a glimpse of because they are so rare and beautiful.

When you are lucky enough to find that rare and beautiful flower, do you scoop it up quickly and run away into the night, laughing manically (... clearly I've been watching too much kid's television). Poaching is a real crime that state and national parks deal with, sadly. Besides depriving the plant of it's chosen environment, poachers also deprive the rest of us of their beauty. Even worse than that, in my opinion, is how relocating a wildflower converts it to a domestic flower, essentially detracting the very thing that makes it so extraordinary in the first place. The fact that it's survival does not depend on humanity at all. That it is wild.

Poaching is a dangerous habit with lovers too. Not only will the thing you desire begin to lose its desirable qualities, but, in the end, you will end up hurting the very thing you are trying to love. You will destroy it.

Which brings me to the second reason wildflowers are so beautiful. They aren't controlled, or shouldn't be. They exist for their own sake. If others receive pleasure from seeing or being with them, what a great bonus! But it's not necessary for their survival. In other words, people, the worthwhile ones anyway, are independent of others. They don't need partners and they certainly don't need you. If they allow you to tag along for a while, then count your blessings.

Thyme-Leaved Bluets
Houstonia serpyllifolia

Of course, maybe you're not cruising OKCupid for wildflowers. You'll just take any willing plant that comes along, or that fucks well. (Hmmm ... plants fucking? Evidently, I need to rethink this metaphor.) I will tell you the secret to finding wildflowers, though it only refers to people, not plants. Still trying to concoct a formula for the plants. The secret is to be a wildflower yourself. Be independent. Be the kind of person you are wanting to meet. And be satisfied to sit on a sunny hillside and wait for that determined hiker to come along. There's no guarantee how long you will have to wait, but the more beautiful you are, the harder you will be to miss.

Another secret, once you learn to spot wildflowers, you find them everywhere. Like Thyme-Leaved Bluets.

Only Unicorns Need Apply

Unicorn:

A bisexual female, sought as the third wheel to a male/female couple; or, a rare, MYTHICAL beast with magical qualities, sought to bestow eternal life.

Today, I have a few angry words to say about unicorns. Not to the unicorns, but the hunters. There is nothing wrong with the idea of unicorns, and if you are one, more power to you. Seems you have the pick of the lot. 

A relentless search for the perfect, ideal lover who meets not one, but two individual's grocery lists of requirements. Is this how we treat people? Is this how you would want to be viewed as a potential lover?

Anyone with even a little experience in relationships will tell you that ordering partners from a menu just doesn't work. Purple and Green (both female) meet at a party and hit it off. Love at first sight? Maybe. Green meets Purple's husband, Brown. Green is just the kind of unicorn they've been looking for. But by the end of the night, Brown just can't get past Green's laugh. It's pitchy and goes on way too long. Purple's in love. Now what? Is Green out the door? So long?

Successful relationships (friendship, romantic, sexual or otherwise) take the person who is in front of them, with all their idiosyncrasies and warts. If this person has potential as a romantic or sexual partner: Bonus! Prerequisites: (1) Am I attracted to this person? (2) Can our current circumstances match up in a way to make this relationship possible?

I am sick to death of poly discussion boards and groups being used as The Great Unicorn Hunt. While I am certainly in favor of any form of a loving relationship that brings fulfillment and satisfaction to all participants, I am against searching out specific kinds of partners or situations.

Poly is not about being edgy or sexually fashionable. It is about being open to different kinds of relationships with whomever is in your life. Deep connection can happen with anyone and any kind of relationship. Searching for a specific type of person (unicorn, centaur or other?) for a specific type of relationship ... well, that feels juvenile. If you can't be happy right now, with the people in your life right now, you won't find yourself any happier should you finally capture that mythical creature.

That's not to say that there's anything wrong with "getting out there" and meeting new people with the hope of finding someone special. However, by limiting the "someone specials" to unicorns, you could be missing out on a different kind of totally mind-blowing relationship.

It's like being a tall woman. Countless times I've had tall women friends tell me they would never consider dating a man who was shorter than them. Too self-conscious, maybe? I laugh and count the handful of men I would have never even attempted to date, including my husband. How silly, and  sad.

I say, give up the unicorn hunt and start looking at the beautiful, interesting people around you. You might just surprise yourself.