Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Only Unicorns Need Apply

A bisexual female, sought as the third wheel to a male/female couple; or, a rare, MYTHICAL beast with magical qualities, sought to bestow eternal life.

Today, I have a few angry words to say about unicorns. Not to the unicorns, but the hunters. There is nothing wrong with the idea of unicorns, and if you are one, more power to you. Seems you have the pick of the lot. 

A relentless search for the perfect, ideal lover who meets not one, but two individual's grocery lists of requirements. Is this how we treat people? Is this how you would want to be viewed as a potential lover?

Anyone with even a little experience in relationships will tell you that ordering partners from a menu just doesn't work. Purple and Green (both female) meet at a party and hit it off. Love at first sight? Maybe. Green meets Purple's husband, Brown. Green is just the kind of unicorn they've been looking for. But by the end of the night, Brown just can't get past Green's laugh. It's pitchy and goes on way too long. Purple's in love. Now what? Is Green out the door? So long?

Successful relationships (friendship, romantic, sexual or otherwise) take the person who is in front of them, with all their idiosyncrasies and warts. If this person has potential as a romantic or sexual partner: Bonus! Prerequisites: (1) Am I attracted to this person? (2) Can our current circumstances match up in a way to make this relationship possible?

I am sick to death of poly discussion boards and groups being used as The Great Unicorn Hunt. While I am certainly in favor of any form of a loving relationship that brings fulfillment and satisfaction to all participants, I am against searching out specific kinds of partners or situations.

Poly is not about being edgy or sexually fashionable. It is about being open to different kinds of relationships with whomever is in your life. Deep connection can happen with anyone and any kind of relationship. Searching for a specific type of person (unicorn, centaur or other?) for a specific type of relationship ... well, that feels juvenile. If you can't be happy right now, with the people in your life right now, you won't find yourself any happier should you finally capture that mythical creature.

That's not to say that there's anything wrong with "getting out there" and meeting new people with the hope of finding someone special. However, by limiting the "someone specials" to unicorns, you could be missing out on a different kind of totally mind-blowing relationship.

It's like being a tall woman. Countless times I've had tall women friends tell me they would never consider dating a man who was shorter than them. Too self-conscious, maybe? I laugh and count the handful of men I would have never even attempted to date, including my husband. How silly, and  sad.

I say, give up the unicorn hunt and start looking at the beautiful, interesting people around you. You might just surprise yourself.