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It’s refreshing to watch children play. For one thing, I am
reminded what it was like to be totally free to express myself in every way I
could think of, without the fear of being shamed. It is balm to the soul to remember
that freedom is still inside of me somewhere. Albeit small and silent.
The other reason I love watching my children express their
imaginations, is that it reminds me of the filter my cultural upbringing has
instilled in me. The filter through which I view the world. For example, my
first encounter with filters was when I realized most people didn't walk around
as angry as I was.
When I was younger I was angry all the time. Instead of
rose-colored glasses, mine were gray and sometimes black. As a result I was an
embittered and impossible child. (Sorry, Mom.) And I thought this was how
everyone saw the world. It wasn't until after years of therapy and meds that I
discovered, most people can and do enjoy life! How odd.
This is to say, we aren't aware of our filters until they
are pointed out to us. Typically, children have had much less exposure to
cultural norms and expectations. So they aren't restricted in their play the
way adults can be. As kids become more
aware of cultural rituals and rules, it is curious to see how they mix and
match the ideas, sometimes following the rules sometimes making up their own.
This is the game I play with myself as I watch them, trying to notice my own
indoctrination through their obvious lack of it.
Which brings me to an anecdote from our annual family
vacation. I am not “out” as poly to my family and many of my friends. My mother
is a pastor and I live in a hoity-toity part of the Bible Belt. It’s not fair
that my young children should be ostracized for choices they didn't make if
it’s within my control. My children are young and do not yet have direct
knowledge of my relationships outside the home.
On vacation we’re all sitting around in the living room of a
rented space, watching my two children (boy and girl) and my brother’s two kids
(also a boy and a girl) play. My daughter (the oldest) decides they should all
“get married”. A relatively routine game for children, still navigating the
complicated ocean of relationships. What girl didn't plan out her wedding day
at least a few hundred times.? (Sigh. Also, cultural conditioning.)
But in the kids’ imaginary game, who’s going to marry whom?
Well, we wouldn't want any feelings to be hurt. So, my daughter decides (with
absolutely no input from me) that they will all get married together. She will
marry both boys, in one ceremony. And her girl cousin will marry both boys in
another. (I’m also loving the female patriarch implied here!)
What was incredible to me was how all of the other kids went
along with this idea without batting an eye. Makes perfect sense, we all want
to live together and be happy, so we’ll get married the way our grown-ups do.
Of course the ceremonies were elaborate (and expensive!) And she got to walk
her two “men” down the aisle. Flowers,
veils … we spared no expense.
Fortunately for me, no one noticed this social faux pas.
Except my husband, who bore holes into me with his eyes from across the room.
Another glaringly obvious “rule” of the game was that only
the girls could marry boys. Girls marrying girls, or boys with boys, wasn't
suggested. An example of mixing and matching the rules, and also, I think, far too little exposure to gay culture (not by choice, by circumstance).
The "rules" of culture are not always so straight forward. Sometimes you don't even realize what you're doing until you meet someone (usually from a far away land) who does it differently. And, on occasion, cultural "rules" can be a positive thing, like positive peer pressure. But more importantly, it's being aware of the conditioning that makes a difference. This is what allows us to change course, should the time ever come when it's needed. And it allows us to be compassionate and tolerant of others, especially others with different cultural conditioning.
A challenge for all of us: be more aware of your conditioning as we move through our day.
Conditioning, sadly, is a large part of growing up that is passed down by our parents from their parent before them with slight modifications.
ReplyDeleteI was born in the 70's, so my influences were based on the modification of traditional family up bringing that was used in the 50's and 60's, updated for the 70's by the ideals of my parents. Most of my traditional upbringing was done by example, not vocal teaching. Kids have a unfettered way of looking at the world that I wish we would all learn to preserve, as such they know the differences between happiness and sadness. Who wouldn't want to be happy?
In this case, I am certain that your children see how happy you both are with the lifestyle choices that you have made and they are simply emulating that into their own lives, either consciously or unconsciously. No words have to be said to show you true feelings. This is why kids always know that there is something wrong, they can read body language much better than we can because there is not translations needed. The see the truth and accept the truth. We as adults, see the truth and then try to figure out what it means based on logic and observational theory. If we could re-learn to just use our gut feelings again, we could recapture a small amount of our childhood again.
I envy children and the innocence and wonder that the world holds them before the culture takes hold and throws the burden of rules and regulations upon their shoulders. Some days, there are times that I want to wander back into the woods full of wonder instead of fear and just accept the world around me like I used to when I was 5.